Send Transgender Women to Space

All of them. Please.

In Space, There’s No One to Misgender You

Let women do the work.

Every day on planet Earth seems to be a slog for transgender women. The reasons for their unhappiness are varied. Some science-deniers actually refuse to believe they’re women. They are misgendered on purpose and mercilessly mocked online. The invasive procedures necessary to “affirm” their bodies are ruinously expensive, painful, and require lifelong maintenance.

And every time one of them absolutely crushes a biological woman in sports thanks to their superior strength and speed, they get viciously attacked—just for being themselves.

They can’t help it if they’re better, okay? You should be happy that women are breaking so many records in so many sports, ingrate.

Worse, transgender women got blamed for destroying the multibillion-dollar Bud Light brand, when it was the racist bigots fault for boycotting their favorite beer. 

The struggle is real. Here on Earth, they have a hard time getting dates. Heterosexual transgender women struggle to find heterosexual men willing to engage in normal heterosexual sex that’s not even a little bit gay, just because it happens to involve an erect female penis and set of female testicles.

Meanwhile, lesbian transgender women have trouble finding other lesbian women who are into Adam’s apples and giant man hands, not to mention those pesky female penises. 

If a transgender women decides to have their gender affirmed surgically by inverting their appendages, they face a lifetime of uncomfortable (and smelly) complications. 

In short, despite all the groundbreaking progress they’ve made to be taken seriously as real women, things are not really working out for them here on Earth.

Earth is no planet for transgender women.

Which is why we should send all of them to space. After all, we are going to need a lot of strong, hardy, brave astronauts to serve as the first wave of pioneers on Mars. These are people who can’t have children to miss them or strong ties to their communities here at home.

The ideal candidates for the first few voyages have to be willing to endure hardship, physically powerful, and somehow also meet the strict DEI and gender quotas that will inevitably be required.

Here are some more reasons; just hear me out.

Reason 1: They Tend to Have Male Reflexes

Men tend to enjoy science and math more than women and are on average better at it, despite years of pushing and prodding by the “women in STEM” activists. Men are also more naturally adept as pilots, thanks to faster reflexes and better spatial awareness. If you’ve seen me try to parallel park for 20 minutes and still end up two feet from the curb, you’d agree. Just this week I backed into another car pulling out of a spot at Target—right into another biological woman who was backing out of her spot. Neither of us saw the other one.

I get nervous if my one-hour Southwest flight to Vegas has a female pilot. Do we really want women in the cockpit on a multi-year journey at supersonic speeds that requires you to spend most of your time doing complex math and mechanical repairs, while floating in zero gravity and peeing into a tube? 

Space ship crews must be selected for intelligence, skill, physical strength, and mental toughness. Crew members need to have advanced math and science training, flight skills, and navigational expertise. They can’t be over emotional. They need to exhibit calm and bravery in extreme conditions. Transgender women offer a twofer: the shape rotator capabilities of a male math nerds, the high spatial awareness abilities of a male pilot, the wayfinding skills of a male navigator, and the natural bravery and thrill-seeking spirit of a male adventurer—all in an inspiring, intersectional, ESFG-friendly, feminist package. 

Reason 2: As of This Writing, They are Pregnancy-Proof 

Modern astronauts are not the brash flyboys of yore; they’re academic overachievers who skipped the frat parties to study trig on Saturday nights. They’ve spent their best years toiling over microscopes and petri dishes, watching bacteria enjoy more reproductive opportunities than they ever got. They don’t have the right stuff, but they have the bright stuff.

Which is why co-ed space ship crews run the risk of unintended pregnancies between lonely male and female super nerds locked in a tiny floating metal pod for years. On a two year voyage, some nerds are getting pregnant. 

Transgender women solve this problem. Although there are of course no visible differences of any kind on the outside, you may be surprised to learn there are no functional female organs on the inside. On the inside, transgender women could even be mistaken for men! But for the space program, this is good: these babes aren’t getting knocked up no matter how many front and back holes they have, and no matter how hard they want you to try.

Like their ungulate counterparts—mules—they are 100% sterile.